What do Cooperstown (NY), Canton (OH), and Springfield (MA) have in common? Sports fans know, of course. Each of these cities is home to a Hall of Fame – for baseball, football, and basketball, respectively.
Shouldn’t the volunteer litter-cleanup community have a shrine to call its own? A National Litter Hall of Fame located in Massachusetts? It could be funded by grants from The Massachusetts Package Stores Association, Dunkin’, McDonald’s, the Massachusetts State Lottery, and Poland Spring, and pay tribute to the myriad varieties of litter that have been scattered across America’s public spaces throughout our nation’s history.
The museum’s opening exhibition could feature an inaugural class of 10 litter inductees into the Hall of Fame, selected by litter experts from around the Commonwealth. Here’s a list of potential honorees:
The Dunkin’ Donuts Beverage Cup: Was there any doubt that this iconic container would lead the list? Sometimes crushed, sometimes shredded, sometimes intact – but always in style – this stalwart of detritus is the “solid citizen” of any KMB volunteer’s tour of the neighborhood. Don’t forget to look for the lid and trademark orange straw that are likely to be nearby. Discarded Dunkin’ cups have been found in cities and towns that are hundreds — even thousands — of miles away from the nearest Dunkin’ location, including the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica.
Cigarette Butts: Butts and vaping paraphernalia are everywhere — each one a memory of a little puff of heaven, and how that puff is helping a smoker get to the afterlife just a few minutes sooner. Strung together with popcorn, retrieved cigarette butts have decorated the Christmas trees of generations of KMB volunteers. Ask your grandparents! As little Zuzu chirps at the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “teacher says, every time Uncle Billy coughs, a chain smoker gets his wings.”
Tiny Plastic Dental Flossers: For sheer weirdness, it’s hard to beat this item. Away-from-home flossing is akin to clipping your nose hair while walking down the street. But if it’s the price we have to pay for a community of healthy gums displaying low-plaque teeth, so be it.
Empty Nip Bottles: The mouthwash preferred by 9 out of 10 users of tiny plastic dental flossers. You can kiss these folks on the lips with confidence, even if they’re strangers.
Auto Hubcaps: The most notorious one is from 1989, the year that KMB volunteer Wendell Knavely yanked it from a speeding Toyota Corolla in Fitchburg, MA. According to Blanche Knavely, his widow, “my husband never liked waiting for stuff to fall off a vehicle before he attempted to retrieve it. But he was a good man, winning KMB’s Aggressive Picker-Upper of the Year Award from 1985 to 1989, when they decided to end the competition for obvious reasons. I miss him. If only he had been a bit more patient.”
The Single Sock: As Rod Stewart famously sang, “Every picture tells a story, don’t it?” The same can be said of a lone sock lying on the sidewalk. We just don’t know what the story is. Why just one sock? Where’s the shoe? Maybe it’s that sneaker dangling from a power line above the street. Was the Deep State involved? Do you know where all your socks are right now?
The KFC Three-Piece Dinner Box (contents partially consumed): When will KFC realize that the only people eating its cole slaw are hungry KMB volunteers who encounter it on the street? And why is there sometimes a sock in the box instead of the chicken wing you ordered?
Ripped-Open Condom Wrappers (with condom removed): Has the concept of “delayed gratification” lost all meaning in our society? Did you not read about the tragic demise of Wendell Knavely? Are you really that far from your home, a Days Inn, or a Chevy Silverado flatbed?
Poland Spring, Aquafina, and Dasani Water Bottles: If there’s a Mountain-Dew-colored liquid inside, be extra careful when emptying. Just sayin’.
Asteroid Fragment: In 2004, Yolanda Squantz, a KMB volunteer, was picking up litter in North Adams, MA when she discovered an asteroid fragment. Actually, the asteroid fragment discovered her as it entered North Adams’s atmosphere at approximately 700 miles per hour. The museum’s display will include both the fragment and Ms. Squantz.
It would be ideal if discount tickets for the National Litter Hall of Fame could be purchased online (timed admission only) from your local Department of Public Works or Home Depot. Start looking over your shoulder, New England Aquarium, Norman Rockwell Museum, and Tanglewood. A new attraction might be coming to The Bay State!
Mike Morris is a retired professor of psychology from the University of New Haven who moved to Framingham, MA in 2022. His primary avocations are satirical writing and pursuing street litter with a vengeance. His humor blog, University Life, can be accessed at https://universitylife.michaeladrianmorris.com.
