There are many challenges in the world of volunteer litter gathering, but few can rival the high-wire uncertainty posed by that single, conspicuous piece of trash lying on the lawn of a private home on your route. Dare you venture onto someone’s private property to pick it up, or do you let it be? It’s a question that keeps me awake deep into the night.
Sidewalks and curbsides are my litter-collection beat. I also have no problem swooping into the parking lot of a commercial establishment to retrieve an empty can of Bud Light or Narragansett Raccoon Sweet Potato Lager. A clean lot is a happy lot.
People’s lawns are another story, however. Of course, if the lawn litter in question is close to the sidewalk, and I can reach over and snag it without trampling the geraniums in the flower bed, I’m okay with that.
But what if that Dunkin’ cup is sitting – and mocking me – smack dab in the middle of a lawn of considerable size? Do I invade the homeowner’s yard, risking an awkward, “stand-your-ground” confrontation or being recorded by a surveillance camera that would land me on the front page of the Boston Globe (“KMB Volunteer’s Yard Invasion Captured on Video”)? Even worse, what if a cantankerous participant in annual re-enactments of the Battle of Lexington and Concord peeks out from behind the curtains of the living room window – cradling a loaded musket – and mistakes me for a British Regular? There are so many ways things could go wrong here.
For the sake of argument, let’s say I decide to pursue that Dunkin’ cup. How should I proceed? Confidently stride onto the property like it’s no big deal, grab the cup, and depart? Or would it be better to stealthily crawl on my stomach across the lawn, like an infantryman inching his way under barbed wire on the battlefield? If I do the latter, should I wait until nightfall, don infrared goggles, and wear camouflage over my KMB vest?
Clearly, litter gathering on private property is not for the faint of heart.
The situation gets even more complicated if there are multiple pieces of litter on the lawn. Perhaps it’s the homeowner’s family that is generating the mess, and they’re fine with it. Should I march up to the front door and knock? I could introduce myself as a community volunteer who’s willing to pick up the debris in their yard and inspect their home for additional scattered debris (“No charge for this service, ma’am; that’s the KMB way.”). Does KMB have a policy on entering private residences to check for internal littering? If not, it probably should develop one. I’m pretty sure our yellow vests authorize us to do pretty much whatever we want (at least in Massachusetts), but it might be wise to get some legal counsel in this domain.
I know, I know, it looks like we’re getting into slippery-slope territory. Where might it all end – with KMB volunteers cleaning out people’s garages? (“Sorry, Mr. Skushnick, but this tattered badminton net and rusted hamster cage have to go!”).
Who would have thought that litter-gathering could get this complicated? So be careful out there: Know your boundaries and keep an eye out for disgruntled patriots bearing muskets.
Mike Morris is a retired professor of psychology from the University of New Haven who moved to Framingham, MA in 2022. His primary avocations are satirical writing and pursuing street litter with a vengeance. His humor blog, University Life, can be accessed at https://universitylife.michaeladrianmorris.com.
