“Discarded cigarette butts.”
It’s an ugly phrase, to be sure, that third word erupting with a snarl from the speaker’s pursed lips.
Yet, every day the brave women, men, girls, and boys of Keep Massachusetts Beautiful confront the unpleasant remains of a nasty habit as they venture into neighborhoods all across the Commonwealth.
Should KMB volunteers pick up cigarette butts? It’s one of the Great Debates in the litter-gathering community, right up there with, “Should KMB volunteers have arrest powers?”
My answer to the second question is a resounding YES, but when it comes to the first question, I choose not to pick up cigarette butts. They are so numerous on my route that butt collecting could easily double the duration of my typical 1.5-hour litter walk.
I guess I could use my Oreck vacuum to suck up the debris, but I’m not willing to spend money on the extra-long extension cord that would be required. So, for the most part, I leave the butts alone, unless I see a huge cluster that appear to have been dumped from a car ashtray. I bag those while muttering random curse words.
Please don’t hate me for my decision.
It’s not that I’m generally averse to picking up small bits of flotsam and jetsam. Show me the scattered carnage of a shattered tail-light cover, and I’m on it quicker than you can say “rear-end collision.” Or how about that tiny metal screw, origin unknown, that suddenly shows up on the sidewalk? Not a problem. Random shards and slivers of glass sparkling in the sunlight? You betcha.
But cigarette butts are different. They call forth Judgmental Mike in a way that Dunkin’ cups, beer cans, and nip bottles don’t. People need their coffee, and there are times when a brewski or a shot of Jim Beam gives you the courage to open that registered letter from your ex’s lawyer.
On the other hand, neither cigarettes nor their butts evoke my empathy. All I see is unhealthy behavior with no redeeming social value. From my (somewhat warped) perspective, picking up this detritus would send a message that I’m aiding and abetting an objectionable habit by getting rid of the evidence.
But let me be clear. If you’re a KMB volunteer who regularly scoops up cigarette butts from the sidewalk, I thank you for your service. Cogent arguments can certainly be offered in defense of butt removal. For example, it eliminates embarrassing cases of mistaken identity, where a vision-impaired caterpillar attempts to mate with the stub of a Marlboro Light. Those incidents can lead to emotional scarring, tormenting a butterfly for life. The day will come when one of my grandchildren asks me if I’ve ever done anything to help prevent butterfly PTSD.
I won’t have an answer.
I just hope they’ll understand.
Mike Morris is a retired professor of psychology from the University of New Haven who moved to Framingham, MA in 2022. His primary avocations are satirical writing and pursuing street litter with a vengeance. His humor blog, University Life, can be accessed at https://universitylife.michaeladrianmorris.com.
