A heavy snowstorm and frigid temperatures can prevent even the most dedicated KMB volunteers from pursuing their mission outdoors for at least a few days. How can this newfound “free” time be translated into litter-related activity? Here are several suggestions from the experts:
Keep your litter-retrieving skills sharp by scattering trash throughout your house or apartment.
You can then walk around with your litter grabber and pick everything up. If you have young children, teens, or a messy spouse/partner, the trash may already be there. Don’t pass up this opportunity to be thankful for your family’s bad habits, and recommit to living with them.
Invent a grabber that can easily pick up flattened aluminum cans.
The amount of profanity I’ve uttered over the years while trying to snare a flattened Coke can with a conventional grabber is appalling. Trust me, the KMB community will be forever grateful if you successfully tackle this challenge. A statue in your honor on the Boston Freedom Trail is a distinct possibility. Think of how proud your family and friends will be!
Write a litter-themed romance novel.
Why shouldn’t your commitment to community service make you rich? Just be sure that the story’s main characters “meet cute.” For example: Toby, a KMB volunteer, is walking behind an attractive young woman one day when she tosses an empty Dunkin’ cup on the sidewalk. “Excuse me, Miss, I think you dropped something,” says Toby. She turns around and their eyes meet. The chemistry is immediate and powerful, and their fingers touch as they both reach for the cup simultaneously. They marry two months later, emerging from the church to walk arm-in-arm under an inverted “V” canopy formed by the raised litter grabbers of KMB volunteers. Children throw biodegradable confetti. At the reception, guests drink Shrewsbury Brown Wine made from composted grape stems. The couple names their first child “Duncan.”
Construct a litter diorama on the ping-pong table in your rec room.
This is a terrific team-building activity for the whole family. Fashioning miniaturized bits of litter from pipe cleaners and crumbled Styrofoam is fun and develops fine-motor skills in your offspring. If you don’t have a ping-pong table, buy one. If you don’t have a rec room, move.
Recondition your litter grabber.
Replace those old, scuffed, cracked suction-cup tips with new ones. Customize your grabber’s shaft with detailing. Switch out that obsolete, manually operated handle for one that features an automatic, four-speed transmission. You’ll notice the difference in performance.
Create a weekly litter podcast.
Call it “Trash Talk.” Devote each episode to a specific type of litter that interests you. Interview your friends about their formative litter experiences. Tell jokes (“A shredded plastic bag and a nip bottle walk into a bar….”). If you’re nervous about speaking on the air, use hand puppets.
Record an in-your-face hip-hop song about fighting litter.
Here’s another opportunity to make a fortune (“Hey, wassup…better pick up that cup…don’t want my grabber messin’ you up…”). Make a video of yourself performing the song while wearing a KMB tee shirt and a flat-brim baseball cap featuring a crushed-water-bottle logo.
Buy a burner phone and call commercial establishments that have litter-strewn parking lots.
When someone answers, sing the hip-hop song you’ve composed. Practice first, so you can sing the whole thing before they hang up.
These recommendations should keep you busy until the snow melts. Good luck!
Mike Morris is a retired professor of psychology from the University of New Haven who moved to Framingham, MA in 2022. His primary avocations are satirical writing and pursuing street litter with a vengeance. His humor blog, University Life, can be accessed at https://universitylife.michaeladrianmorris.com.
