Few things excite KMB volunteers more than the arrival of spring. The long period of intense frustration caused by winter’s inaccessible, snow-covered litter is coming to an end.
In neighborhoods throughout the Commonwealth, frenzied volunteers crouch behind their front doors, peeking through the mail slot while grasping a bag or bucket, ready to bolt outside and resume litter gathering at the first sign of a thaw. More than one mail carrier or Amazon delivery person has been run over, Dagwood style, in the past few weeks by a KMB volunteer rocketing out of his or her house for that first trash tour of the season. Here are five suggestions to keep in mind as you reengage with the World of Litter Cleanup.
- DO NOT purchase a truffle hog to help you find trash that’s hidden in lingering snowbanks. These pigs are widely used in Europe to locate underground truffles, a mushroom-like delicacy. Their ability to snuff out everyday detritus is wildly overrated, however. Over the years, KMB volunteers have invested thousands of dollars purchasing truffle hogs for litter retrieval, only to be disappointed by their lackluster performance, as well as by the expense and mess of housing adult pigs in the guest room of their residence. Scam artists with fake French accents will claim that the pricey hogs they want to sell you have been trained by U. S. Marines. Not true.
- Don’t overreact to the warm weather by getting a large KMB tattoo emblazoned on your chest or between your shoulder blades and then venturing outside to pick up litter without wearing a shirt. It’s not a good look for either gentlemen or ladies, no matter how physically fit you are. Stick with the KMB T-shirt and/or vest.
- Don’t get too feisty. It’s one thing to be energized by the return of pleasant temperatures, but that doesn’t mean you should guzzle several 24-ounce cans of Colt 45 malt liquor before heading out on trash patrol. You’ll put yourself at risk of screaming at passing motorists, “keep that water bottle inside the car, you twit!” And, by all means, refrain from head-butting autos at stop lights simply because they are not sporting a KMB decal on their bumper. You can get arrested.
- Speaking of feistiness, it’s probably not a good idea to get too carried away when celebrating the 250th anniversary of our nation’s founding during your litter gathering this summer. For example, nobody wants to see you standing on top of a parking-lot dumpster with a boom box playing “Do You Hear the People Sing?” from Les Misérables while you wave a giant KMB flag. They especially don’t want to see you doing this if all you’re wearing is a KMB tattoo.
- Pace yourself. If you haven’t picked up the litter on your route in a month or more, you’re likely to encounter a huge amount of accumulated trash when you do venture out. It can be overwhelming. Trying to pick up EVERYTHING on your first warm-weather walk can lead to exhaustion, disorientation, aimless wandering, and worse. If you notice vultures are circling above you as you navigate the neighborhood, find shelter and a cold beverage.
These nuggets of advice should get you through the next few months. And as Sergeant Phil used to say on Hill Street Blues, “let’s be careful out there.”
Mike Morris is a retired professor of psychology from the University of New Haven who moved to Framingham, MA in 2022. His primary avocations are satirical writing and pursuing street litter with a vengeance. His humor blog, University Life, can be accessed at https://universitylife.michaeladrianmorris.com.
