As summer heats up, Keep Massachusetts Beautiful volunteers who wish to remain stylish when picking up litter on hot, muggy days have few sources of guidance. There are no fashion magazines catering to the trash-retrieval community. But fear not, there are common-sense principles we can all keep in mind when venturing out this summer.
Footwear: Avoid high heels (women) and wing-tip dress shoes (men), unless you’re taking a first date on a neighborhood litter-retrieval walk. Such walks are much more frequent than you might imagine. Nearly 40% of all KMB members met their first, second, or third spouse on a blind litter-retrieval date. Is there anything more romantic on a summer evening than sitting on a street curb between two full bags of trash, sharing a slice of Papa John’s with that special someone? Not by a long shot.
In general, the best choice for litter footwear is a pair of old sneakers. They’re already stained, so what difference does it make if you inadvertently splatter iced coffee on them when you invert a Dunkin’ cup with your litter grabber? Of course, if you’re planning to pursue trash in a woodsy area, consider hiking boots. Wearing them can make you think that you’re actually taking a hike.
Under no circumstances should you wear flip-flops, which are nothing more than industrial-strength magnets for deer ticks, poison ivy, and that splattered coffee.
Pants or Shorts? The pants-vs.-shorts debate has bedeviled the KMB community for decades. It’s hard to argue against a sturdy pair of blue jeans, but a compelling case can be made for cargo shorts with multiple pockets. The pockets can be handy for storing picked-up litter that you want to save, such as half-eaten bagels, prescription bottles with a few remaining pills, and orphan socks that are damp but not mildewed.
Dresses/Miniskirts/Kilts: None of these is a good idea, unless you’re on that first date described above or part of the Tartan Army.
Shirts/Blouses: Absolutely. If all you’re wearing above the waist is a bright yellow volunteer vest, you might be mistaken for a member of a road construction crew and ordered to operate a street paver.
Neckties, Bow Ties, Expensive Necklaces or Other High-End Jewelry: Perish the thought! You’re collecting litter, not attending the Met Gala. NOTE: If you live in a zip code where men regularly wear loafers without socks and five-year-olds know the definition of, and can spell, “espadrilles,” feel free to ignore this advice.
Headwear: You can never go wrong with a baseball cap. However, if you’re no longer a teenager, please resist the temptation to rotate the cap so that the brim is covering the back of your neck.
You should only wear a beret if you’re picking up litter in Paris. And a fedora is okay, provided you’re collecting trash in 1955. Tin-foil cone hats are appropriate for gathering alien-deposited litter in Roswell, New Mexico but nowhere else.
What about those elaborate, over-the-top hats that can be seen balanced precariously on the heads of women at the Kentucky Derby or the Royal Ascot festival in England? The problem is, they don’t go well with cargo shorts unless you’re residing in a locked ward in a mental health facility. Leave them at home.
Undergarments: Definitely recommended. There are many possibilities here. It’s your call.
These guidelines should get you through the summer. The word on the street is that, in the fall, Ralph Lauren is introducing Litterati, a line of leisure apparel commissioned by KMB. Look for full-page ads in the New York Times Sunday Magazine beginning in August.
Mike Morris is a retired professor of psychology from the University of New Haven who moved to Framingham, MA in 2022. His primary avocations are satirical writing and pursuing street litter with a vengeance. His humor blog, University Life, can be accessed at https://universitylife.michaeladrianmorris.com.
